It's Been Forever: how I began dancing again [Part 1]

This is the first post in a series about how Principia College dance alum, Emily Maixner (C'08), conquered her fears and got back into dancing.

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I couldn’t believe how long it had been since I’d gone to a dance class.  My friend had been encouraging me to go with her for months.  My body had been practically begging for movement, being forced to sit at a desk all day long.

And yet, I'd had a million reasons NOT to go:

“We just don’t have the budget!”

“I want to lose weight first.”

“I was never that good anyway.”

Then a friend, who’d known my performance past and aspirations, came into town for a weekend.   She had gently, lovingly, but firmly said, “Emily, if you don’t get back into performing soon, you’ll never do it.  And you MUST do something creative for yourself every week.”

I foolishly admitted to her that I’d been toying with the idea of dancing again.  She jumped on it.  “That is fantastic.  You MUST go!  It will feed your soul.”

“But,” I protested, throwing my reasons for not dancing back at her. 

But saying them out loud made me stop short.  I suddenly realized that they were pathetic reasons. 

I certainly could find the budget to dance once a week. 

My weight was absolutely no different from a few years ago, and – duh! – dancing could only help me become more fit. 

And it really didn’t matter if I’d been brilliant or terrible, since this wasn’t about being the best.

I realized, in that moment, that for me, dancing was only about expressing myself – in joy.   And that I needed that in my life.  That despite having a steady and satisfying job, a loving husband, and a wonderful home life, there was a hole in my heart, a gaping void that made me curl up once or twice a week, staring out my bedroom window at the New York City skyline for literal hours at a time in a listless depression and occasionally dissolving into tears. 

In fact, I’d been spending months trying to figure out what the problem was with my husband and family members.  “You know what it is, Emily?  You need a hobby!  Find people who like to do what you do, and take classes!  How about a book club?  Or bridge?”  “Emily, you should try working out more – clearly you’re just not active enough.”  “I know, Emily - try taking an hour to just be quiet when you get home, so that the noise of the commute and the stress of the day can wear off before you jump into other activities.”  Eventually, I’d given up trying to figure out what caused those sudden attacks of melancholy and despair.

And here the answer was, staring me in the face as it danced a jig.

“You’re right,” I said quietly.  Then, looking up at my friend with a small smile, I committed myself.  “I’ll go to dance.”


Check back soon for Part 2: "How I Survived the First Class"!